The wind whips through my heavy winter clothes as if they were nothing, raising goosebumps on my skin and sending chills through my entire body. I wrap my coat tighter around myself and shiver, hurrying forward as I struggle to keep up with my sister. Peering through a thick mist, I can barely see her far ahead of me. "Kathryn, wait up!" I quicken my pace, walking as fast as I can while rubbing my arms together and trying desperately to stay warm. The sun has long since set, and only a dusky twilight serves to illuminate the mist. I have almost lost her now, and I give up all hope of staying warm as I begin to move faster. The wet grass squishes softly under my feet; I am afraid to run too fast for fear of slipping and losing her completely. She turns toward me, but in the dim light I can't see her face, and I can only barely see her arm waving. "Come on, Rob!" she shouts, and laughing, she turns and runs. "Kathryn!" I curse under my breath and break into a run, but she's still far ahead of me. I begin to sprint, and the wind whistles past my face, stinging my ears and cheeks. I'm getting closer to her, though, and she finally stops running and turns back to look at me. "Honestly. You're such a slowpoke." She stops, and when I get within a few yards she starts running again. "Come on!" "Wait!" I yell at her, but suddenly the wind gusts fiercely, and as I look through the swirling mist I realize she has disappeared. "Kathryn!?" I shout, but I receive no answer. I strain my eyes, trying to peer through the murky darkness, but there is no sign of her. "Kathryn!" I yell again, becoming frantic. The shouts echo hauntingly in the impenetrable mist, but that is the only answer I receive. I stand there, listening for some sign of her, but- Click. "-it's time for a commercial break, folks, but when we get back we'll take a look at the morning traffic and weather. For WYAD, I'm-" "Damn," I mutter, rolling over and hitting the alarm. I sit up in bed, kicking the covers off and wiping a thin sheen of sweat from my forehead as I look at the clock. It's 7:30, and I've got a rough day ahead of me. I've been particular busy over the past week, what with handling the funeral and such, and these dreams I've been having aren't helping me any. Sitting next to my alarm clock is a picture of my sister and I, smiling and hugging each other. I keep it there because it's the only way I can see her now, but I wonder if it would be better to put the picture in a drawer somewhere and forget about it. I don't want to do that, but ever since her death I've been plagued by these dreams. Every night I have to relive the torture of losing her, and in each dream it happens in a different way. Last night we got separated in the woods; it was fairly mild compared to some of the dreams I've had. I suppose it's natural, in a way. She was my twin sister, after all, and we grew up closer than many siblings do. I always considered her my best friend, but all that ended a week ago, when she was found dead by the side of a nearby road. She had been stabbed when she went for her morning run. The police said it was a robbery gone wrong, a random act that could've happened to anyone, but I don't want to believe them. It's always easier to believe that things happen with a purpose- even murder. I glance at the picture one more time before I get out of bed and stagger to my feet. After a few minutes of groaning and stretching, I make my way into the kitchen, where my roommate is already awake and eating. "Mornin'," I mumble. "Hey, Rob," he replies. "Pop tart?" "Thanks." I take one from the box he offers me, and munch on it as I go digging through the refrigerator. It's pretty much empty; only a six-pack of soda and some half-empty bottles of ketchup and mustard grace the shelves. Such is the bachelor's lifestyle, I suppose. It used to be that Kathryn would come over at least once a week, see the state of the kitchen, and drag me grocery shopping, but those days are past. I shake my head, and grab a soda before I close the door. It seems like there's no aspect in which I can escape the tragedy; everything I do, no matter how routine, somehow reminds me of her. My roommate looks at me oddly, but doesn't say anything. I know he recognizes what I'm thinking about, but doesn't want to mention it aloud. "You going to class today?" he asks. I consider his question as I sip my soda. "I don't think so. Even if I did go, I don't think I could concentrate well enough to actually do anything." "That's fine with me." He eats another pop-tart. "Hannah's not gonna be happy to hear about it, though." I walk out of the kitchen and collapse onto a nearby sofa. "Well, that's her problem, isn't it?" He doesn't have an answer to that, and I'm content to let the conversation drop. In reality, I care a lot about what Hannah thinks, but that doesn't mean I feel like talking about it. ------------------------------------------------ It's about 8:00 when she finally calls. Hannah's not my girlfriend- well, I don't consider her as such, but our relationship is considerably deeper than that of two ordinary friends. We did go out with each other for some time a couple of years ago, but that didn't work out. It's almost like we're, well- brother and sister, though I don't want to think about anybody but Kathryn in that sense right now. She truly was my only sister, and thinking otherwise would disrespect her memory. Still, with Kathryn's passing, Hannah is probably the person who knows me best. Overall, she's been very supportive of me during these past few days since my sister's death, but she also tends to nag, as if she were my mother or something. For example, this morning I know that she's calling to find out why I didn't go to the university today, since today is the day I have classes from 8 to noon. For that reason, it's with a sense of resignation that I take the phone from my roommate and greet her. "Hey, Hannah." "Hey, Rob. How are you feeling?" I pause for a few seconds before I reply. The answer seems so obvious, I don't know what to say. "About the same as usual." There is a pause on the other end of the line. "I think it'd really help if you started getting back on a normal schedule again. Going to class, going to work, that sort of thing- I know it seems very mundane, but I really do think you should get back into a routine again." Yeah, I think, like she's a great expert on what I do and don't need. My normal life seems so trivial, now- what's important here is that I've lost my sister, I've lost my closest friend in the world, but she doesn't seem to see that. All she sees is class, and a job, and housekeeping, and a million other little details that just don't seem important anymore. I don't say any of this out loud, though. If I do, it'll just make her lecture longer. "I was thinking I'd probably go to work this afternoon. I told them not to expect me, though." There is silence on the other end of line, and I can almost see her grimacing in frustration. Finally, she answers, and to my surprise, her tone of voice is resigned. "All right, Rob." I smile at my victory. She's given in, at least for the moment. "I have an idea," she says. "You want to meet for lunch today? I'd love to talk with you for a bit." Haven't you talked with me enough already? I think but don't say. I hold the phone away from my mouth and sigh, knowing that if I decline, she'll just get on my case until I relent. "Sure," I reply, keeping the enthusiasm in voice distinctly limited. "Great," she says. "How about we meet at Jack's Grill around noon?" Jack's is a little mom-and-pop hamburger joint that I've liked ever since I moved here. Even if Hannah decides to be annoying, at least the food will be good. "All right," I say, "sounds good." We say our good-byes and I hang up, feeling somewhat relieved but mostly annoyed. I know she means well, but she doesn't seem to have the faintest clue what I'm going through, and the conversations I've been having with her recently tend to do more to increase my angst more than they do to relieve it. Still, she's a good friend, and I appreciate having her around, it's just-- I get up, feeling the need to get some fresh air and clear my head a bit. I've got so many things to sort out in my head, and so much to deal with, that maybe getting out of the apartment for a bit would help me. I grab my coat, and saying good-bye to my roommate I head out to where my 1992 Ford Taurus is parked. It's somewhat old but reliable, and I've gotten to appreciate it. It's also a manual transmission, something that I've always preferred over newer automatics. I get in, turn on the radio, and drive. ------------------------------------------------ Kathryn and I were always very close, from when we were little kids through our teenage years. After graduating from high school, we moved apart, but a few years later she came here. We had almost gotten settled here, we were finally beginning to feel like a family again, when her life was brought to a quick, bloody, end by some bastard who wanted a few extra bucks. There's the essential truth of the matter- a meaningless end to a meaningful life, leaving behind family and friends who are left to question just how something so awful could have happened, and to wonder what's going to happen now. A life ended, and many others thrown into turmoil, for the sake of what? I suppose this train of thought could lead to some deep revelation about the state and values of modern society, but I have no interest in thinking up social commentary. The important thing is my sister's dead. When you get right down to it, this is what Hannah doesn't understand. I met Hannah a few years ago, soon after moving here. We hit it off quickly, and dated for almost a year, but decided we worked better together as friends. After that, we grew closer, and except for Kathryn she was my best friend. Now, though, I don't know- she wants to help me, I think, but she just doesn't understand. Her focus seems to be on getting my life back to normal, rather than helping me come to grips with what's happened. In frustration, I hit the gas pedal, causing the car to jerk forward before I realize my mistake and ease up again. I just wish she would show a little more sympathy... why can't she just be my friend, instead of trying to fix my life for me? I press the gas pedal again, this time on purpose, and feel soothed by the rush of exhilaration that the sudden burst of speed gives me. I haven't been paying much attention to where I've been going, but I realize that over the past half-hour I've left the city limits. I'm driving through mostly undeveloped land now, with trees lining both sides of the road, interrupted only occasionally by grassy fields and a rare building or farmhouse. The highway out here is deserted, and lies stretched out before me as though beckoning me forward. I smile in spite of myself, and accept the strange invitation. I press the gas pedal to the floor, and the car's engine begins to strain as I accelerate past sixty, seventy, eighty miles an hour. The steering wheel begins to shake under my hand, and as I grip the gearshift with my other hand I feel the vibrations of the engine and the noisy bumps of the road begin to resonate throughout my entire body. Trees shoot by me on either side, and the noise increases as the speedometer slowly creeps past one hundred miles an hour. I grin in elation, but I don't slow down now, I can't slow down, I'm almost past one hundred ten now, and I can feel all my hurt and pain being left behind in the rush of the adrenaline that comes as I speed down this endless highway to nowhere at speeds that even the swift-footed cheetah could only dream of. The speedometer is almost to one twenty now, but how could I dream of stopping, my world is adrenaline, this world of pure, gut-wrenching speed has no room for anything else, and I don't think I've ever felt better in my life. Something catches my attention up ahead, and I am jolted out of my small, isolated world as I realize a car is coming the other way. I quickly hit the brake, decelerating below one hundred, eighty, sixty as I feel the real world catch up to me again. The car passes, and I feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. It wasn't like me to drive so recklessly, and I realize ashamedly that what I did was very dangerous- something that Kathryn or Hannah would never approve of under any circumstances. Still, it did feel good- everyone needs a little release sometimes, I suppose. With mixed feelings I spin the steering wheel, doing a quick U-turn and heading back towards civilization. ------------------------------------------------ At noon, I meet Hannah with a sense of trepidation. I really don't want to continue the conversation from this morning, but I don't see how I have much of a choice, either. I try to maintain a fading sense of optimism as I park my car and walk to where she's standing at the front entrance, waiting for me. To my surprise, the first thing she does is apologize. She says she's sorry for getting on my case, and that she's only worried about me, but that she should have considered my own feelings more, and thought about what I'm going through. I'm caught off guard by her confession, but I recover in time to accept her apology. We look at each other, and for a very brief moment I feel myself falling in love with her, but it's the same thing I felt when I first met her. It didn't work out, so I push those feelings to the back of my mind. I smile, thanking her for her concern, and tell her how much her concern means to me. Maybe she'll finally get the hint about what kind of support I really need from her right now. She turns to go inside, and I'm about to follow her in when something tickles at the back of my mind. I pause, and look around to see where Kathryn wandered off to. I suddenly realize what I'm doing, and kick myself mentally. This will be the first time I've eaten here since she died, and the three of us did things together often enough that it was almost instinctive for me to wonder where she was. I stand there fighting back tears, then bite my lip and go inside. ------------------------------------------------ I pick halfheartedly at my lunch, taking a small bite of a french fry and laying it back down on my plate. This restaurant is usually one of my favorite places to eat, but I'm not feeling particularly hungry. Kathryn and I used to come here all the time; she would order a sandwich, and I'd get a burger of some kind, and we'd just sit here and talk for hours about little things- "Earth to Rob... you there?" I glance up to see Hannah staring at me and looking very concerned. "Are you all right?" "Yeah," I answer, "I was just thinking." I don't need to elaborate; it's obvious that she knows what I'm thinking about. "Should we have gone somewhere different?" she asks worriedly. "I know this was one of her favorite places. I didn't want to bring up any unpleasant memories or anything, I just-" "No," I answer hastily, "it's fine. I like this place; I'm glad we came here." I eat a french fry in an effort to prove it to her, but I don't think she buys it. I really don't mind coming here; it's not like I'd be happier anyplace else. Hannah looks away from me and hesitates, as though struggling to find the right words to say. "We all miss her," she finally says. "I mean, she was one of my best friends, too." She looks at me, then down at her plate. Her own meal lays half-eaten and picked at, but she shows no interest in attempting to finish it. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're all coping with the same feelings. You're not alone," she turns back to me again and a fierce determination lights her eyes. "I know what you're going through is hard, but if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. And not just me, but any of your friends- please feel free to talk to us about it if you need to. We know what you're going through." I look at her, and I think she truly believes what she's saying, but losing a friend can't compare to losing a sister, a twin; someone who you grew up with and shared a million childhood experiences, someone to whom you told your deepest fears and darkest secrets, who knew your weirdest dreams and your greatest hopes. I feel like a piece of me is missing; like someone's chopped my arm off at the shoulder and now a person who suffered a nasty scrape is telling me they know what I'm going through. Still, I know she means well, and so I smile weakly and mumble a brief thanks. ------------------------------------------------ I tell Hannah that I'll probably go to work, but after I leave the restaurant I head back toward the stretch of highway I found earlier this morning. Talking with Hannah made me feel a little better, but I still get conflicting signals from her, there's still so much to figure out, and I really think that another drive- another rush of exhilaration- would make me feel a lot better. I might even still have time to make it to work afterwards. I slowly make my way outside the city, my foot occasionally tapping impatiently on the gas. I can't go too fast, though, not while there are still cars around. Finally I make it to the same stretch of road I had driven on this morning, but to my surprise I don't get up past eighty or so before I encounter another car. I keep driving for a while longer, but there are just too many cars on the road. Another car passes by me, and I curse in frustration. Why are there so many more cars out here now? Maybe it's lunch hour, but that doesn't seem like it could account for the traffic this far out here. Maybe this level of traffic is normal for this road, and I just happened to get lucky this morning when I found it near-deserted. I keep driving, hoping that the traffic will clear up enough for me to race for a little while, but it doesn't. Finally I begin to pass more buildings, and I realize that I'm entering another town. With another curse and a sign of frustration, I find an intersection and turn the car around. It's far too late to make it to work now, so with a heart that feels like it's about to break, and with feelings and emotions tearing at my mind as though they were dogs fighting for a slab of meat, I head home. # Tonight, I have trouble falling asleep. I toss and turn, and when I finally do succumb to the exhaustion that overwhelms me, I dream. It is the same as always, yet unlike any other I've ever had. I'm chasing Kathryn again, but this time it isn't on foot. I'm behind the wheel of the Taurus, and it's night as I chase the faint, glowing apparition of my sister down a deserted, unlit freeway. I press the gas pedal to the floor, inching the Taurus past seventy, past eighty miles an hour but still she remains just at the edge of my vision, barely illuminated by the swaths of light given off by the headlights. I wonder how she can run so fast, then I see that she isn't running at all. She's floating, she's at least a foot above the ground, and she turns towards me. She looks just like I always remember- possibly even more beautiful than in life. Her features are ghostly and pale, the dim illumination playing tricks with her appearance. She opens her mouth to speak, and somehow I hear her voice over the roar of the engine. "Go back," she whispers. "Please, Rob, go back." "What! How can I go back when you're right ahead of me?" I yell, pounding the steering wheel in frustration. "I just want us to be together again! How can I stop when we're so close?" Sure enough, she begins to drift closer towards me. The car is going well over a hundred now, and I am closing on her, when she begins to fade, her ghostly image slowly beginning to disappear into nothingness. I cry out to her, but she does not respond, and soon she has faded completely, leaving me alone, in an isolated spot of light and noise surrounded by a dark, silent world consisting only of the highway and a murky, oppressive blackness that seems to be closing in on me. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and looking in the rearview mirror I think I see a strange, dark shape approaching me from behind and to the left. Its outline is barely visible, and I'm not even sure it's there, but I drive faster, and the feeling doesn't go away it gets stronger, and I can definitely see the shape now, it doesn't look big, but it looks monstrous, I can't tell what it is, and I'm getting more and more desperate when I suddenly sit up in bed, sweating profusely and panting. I know what I have to do. I dress quickly, pulling a sweater on over the t-shirt and shorts I usually sleep in and slipping into my shoes. Leaving quietly so as to not wake my roommate, I pick up my car keys and quietly slip out of the apartment. ------------------------------------------------ The streetlights end not far beyond the city limits, plunging the road and its surrounding into murky blackness. Now my headlights provide most of the illumination, the high-beams splashing vast stretches of light across the darkened highway. A crescent moon hangs overhead, dimly illuminating the trees that line both sides of the road. Dim, ghostly shapes brought to life by the headlights dance through the tree trunks, flickering in and out of existence as they race alongside my car. The street is again completely deserted, and for a brief moment I am reminded of my dream. This world, however, is real; a million little details about the surrounding world scream to me that I'm not living in a dream. Besides, in the dream my sister was here. With that thought, I begin doing what I came here for. My foot presses down on the gas, and the shadows dance faster as I speed up, the dashed yellow lines in front of me beginning to blur together as the car inches past ninety, then one hundred miles per hour. The engine is audibly straining now, and I push it past one hundred ten. I break the one twenty threshold, the speedometer threatening to max out, and I let out a loud whoop of victory that I can barely hear over the loud roar of the engine. The trees are blurring together into a single long wall, and little details of the road and the trees are obliterated in the pure, overwhelming rush of speed. The headlight-shadows dancing with the car have long since become invisible, moving far too fast for the human eye to follow. The speedometer is almost completely maxed out now, the engine's noise saturates my ears, and the adrenaline flows through my veins at an ever-increasing speed. My world has once again become a pure, visceral rush of speed, and I yell again, a primal, victorious yell that signals my triumph over all the pain and turmoil that once plagued me in a world that I have long since left behind. The car races forward, and I revel in the rush of exhilaration that is washing over me. Something glints in the headlights, and I barely notice it, so engulfed am I in the moment. It flashes again, though, sharper this time, and draws my attention. The rush fades as the object resolves into a bright yellow sign with a black arrow pointing right. Sharp turn ahead. I slam on the brakes, but it's too late, and the car begins to skid as the sign rushes closer. Adrenaline pounds in my ears as I throw the steering wheel right, hoping to clear the turn at nearly eighty miles an hour. The car doesn't turn, though, I throw the wheel left and right, but it does no good, and I'm out of control, and I barrel over the sign, careening off the road, the car rolls over, it rolls over again and again, then it crashes into something hard, a blinding pain sweeps over my body and everything goes dark. ------------------------------------------------ The first thing I'm aware of is a pounding ache that reverberates throughout my skull. Then, as feeling slowly returns to the rest of my body, I begin to ache all over. I groan softly, and as I open my eyes a bright haze fills my vision, sending a wave of intense pain crashing through my head. I close my eyes and groan again, rolling over in an attempt to end the pain and go back to sleep. The pain doesn't go away, though. Finally, I open my eyes, and as the world begins to come into focus the pain subsides, and I make a figure sitting nearby in a chair. She looks to be asleep, but as I look at her and see her pale skin and long, brown hair I smile in elation. Kathryn has returned. I wouldn't believe it, except that she's sitting there, sleeping, her face looking more peaceful and more beautiful than ever. I smile, and am about to call out to her when pain fills my skull again, and the room swims. I roll back against my pillow and have no choice but to succumb to the blackness that envelops me. Over the next few days, I drift in and out of consciousness, and every time, Kathryn is there watching over me. I finally am able to hold a conversation, and I ask her where she went, but she just seems confused. She seems hesitant to talk, but I don't mind. Just seeing her by my bedside is enough. The doctors say I've suffered several broken bones, severe internal injuries and a concussion. In other words, I may be here for a while. I don't mind, though. I'm reunited with my sister, and that's all I was really trying for. Somehow, during that night's horrific rush of speed, I caught up with her- wherever she went- and now we're together again, forever. One night, I finally do get to listen to her voice. I'm drifting in and out of consciousness, but I can hear her talking with one of the doctor's who's been taking care of me. "-long's he going to be like this?" "Please understand, Ma'am, he suffered a severe head injury during a traumatic period..." Consciousness fades for a few seconds. "-may be hard for you to deal with, but it's perfectly understandable given the circumstances." "How is this understandable?" Even through my clouded mental state, I can hear the frustration in her voice. "He thinks I'm his sister, for God's sake!" I wonder what she means by that. My eyes close for a few seconds, and when I wake up, the doctor is shaking his head. "-don't know what to tell you, Miss..." "Wells. Hannah Wells." The conversation comes to an end. The doctor whispers a few words that I can't hear, and they both leave. I lay there in the darkness for what seems like an eternity, but finally I let myself succumb to the exhaustion that threatens to overwhelm me. As I fall asleep, I envision a picture of Kathryn in my mind and smile. -THE END-